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syni

November 2025

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she_wisp: (Default)
Things are baaad and I want to post about it

I have entered into a peculiar situation that has me struggling. Let's put it like this...

I made some friends that I feel really warm and happy about recently. I'm glad to have met them. We met through a shared hobby, mostly, a kind of interest. Within that interest we all also make art for it.

Some stuff happened and sorry for vagueposting I just have really messy thoughts about this that need to be organized and that takes a lot of time. There was an event that brought us all together. I'm really grateful for that. I put my worries aside and lived in the moment. I felt really really happy.

Once the event ended things continued as they were before. Which is mostly good but introduces some worry. I start worrying more and more about the inevitable drift away, worry based on my own insecurities and anxiety come manifest. This is insecurity involving both the art form about the hobby, but also about people in general and my ability to stay connected with those people.

I never like to bother anyone -- *especially* friends. I'm way too overcautious about "appearing like an annoyance", so I'm always thinking about how often I message people, and if they don't message me for a long time and I find myself messaging them, I assume they aren't interested in being friends. So I don't message them anymore, either. I want to empower them to pursue their life away from me if they want even if I'm very sad because of it.

Feeling like this reflects back onto my art, it prevents me from feeling capable of doing any art at all. Because I feel worthless. Some artists can convert feelings of worthlessness into really great output and unfortunately that isn't something I'm capable of doing yet. I just sit and rot and waste my time in my head. Or in some bitter states of mind I instead feel like I'm wasting all my time doing "life stuff" which is probably true since I spent 40 hours a week working, 10 hours a week commuting, full time student, barely making ends meet on top of trying to do art. This post isn't about that though.

So I enter these headspaces where I try to motivate myself, maybe I should force myself to make art anyway. And maybe -- I think -- maybe that's why the friends are drifting away. I don't use social media often, but in the past when I've had more artistic output, I would post things there. That's an OK form of social media use for me because I'm sharing a concrete creation and I don't need to worry about this meta-level game of trying to entertain an unknown audience with words that feel like I'm talking into a void.

But now, my output has basically halted; I have nothing to show. And that itself, friends, causes this terrible line of thinking. Friendship contract.

Maybe these people I thought were my friends are only willing to be my friend on the condition that I can have consistent artistic output like I was before. After all, what fucking value does a person like me have if she can't do something self-expressive like art, to distinguish me from literally anyone else who might have more charm or physical attractiveness at the very least? What do I contribute to any friendship? Is this a reflection on how I value other people; am *I* being the shithead?

Maybe it's not even something they're conscious of. It could be habitual. They simply, most naturally, gravitate toward the other people that continue to make and post art like they do.

So it's causing me to spiral and I need some kind of kick in the ass to get out of this headspace and I'm posting on this blog about it in hopes that it will give me some catharsis okay thank you byeeeee
Sep. 18th, 2025 09:16 pm

the thing

she_wisp: (drank)
i remembered this exists which is *the thing*

it's the thing that happens that i wrote about before, the cycle-of-interests. it doesn't help that disinterest leads to forgetting, and i am very, very forgetful

a lot has happened lately!! i went to europe for the first time. went to germany. i went to a horse convention because i am one

i feel like i've grown a lot over this last year. there's been a lot of stress, a lot of chaos and worry, but also a lot of pushing myself and success, too. it would be easy to focus on the very bad frequent things that have been happening around this last year but i can't function like that. i spent months actively reading the news to ensure i was on top of current events and it absolutely destroyed my ability to enjoy anything, so i've been cutting back on it severely. i love and appreciate my friends, even when times are hard, even when mind is the enemy

also, my favorite game ever got its sequel which feels like fable (yes silksong) and wowie i'm still enjoying that 30 hours deep
she_wisp: (Default)
I've been... busy! which I love and hate

I'm sure you know how it is

i have a thing I'll call a "circle of habits" where i cycle between things i really want to do, and each cycle is like 2-3 weeks... idk. maybe this is normal fixation stuff. when I'm in one -- a cycle -- doing the thing i did last cycle seems utterly miserable, like it's the stalest concept imaginable.

so i entered a cycle that's more draw-fixated and less internet-social-fixated (which ironically is bad for my drawing marketing!), but I'm aware enough to realize the interest will come back eventually. aaaand-- i'm not a slave to habit! fuck yeah me, I'm kicking that in the shins right now by acknowledging it, and writing this is feeling nice!! maybe I'll kick my other shin and play more octopath. or I'll ask some other kind soul to do it for me since the first shin is already bruised and questioning the physicality of kicking my own shin makes brain bruise, too
she_wisp: (temenos)
I did the crossed paths events with both Temenos + Throné in Flamechurch, and Agnea + Hikari in Ryu

genuinely assumed Throné's character could understand the concept of perceiving a treasure as something beyond materialistic goods. i was wrong. a person doesn't count as a treasure apparently. a person whose story is extremely mysterious and has even gifted our party a mysterious (albeit dusty) object, to boot

Temenos sees the value of course. he's fucking Temenos.
she_wisp: (pony)
Years ago friends and I made a channel in our shared discord server that was meant to be an interesting and potentially amusing exercise. Every message you send should look like it would warrant the messages that came before it in response -- like travelling backwards through time.

To demonstrate, Dariaaaa here might opt to end a conversation like this, which opens the door for hijinks:

Dariaaaa (5:20pm): How could you say that??!


...and if they're aware that xX_edg3lorD_Xx here is a frequent and active chat participant, they might have been banking on, or even baiting them to respond next. maybe something like:

xX_edg3lorD_Xx (7:42pm): nothing...they say nothing, because they are dead
xX_edg3lorD_Xx (7:42pm): ...
xX_edg3lorD_Xx (7:43pm): you know what they say:


So really yes, it's a creativity exercise, and the possibilities are endless and unpredictable.

We opted not to explain how it worked to everyone and see who caught on, but in the end I think the people who didn't 'get it' made it more challenging and fun, by intentionally recontextualizing whatever they decided to write to suit reverse-chronology.

anyway i just think it's a neat idea and i'm inclined to share it =w =
she_wisp: (octopath traveler)
This is the game as of late. The one, the only. The obsession

Does it warrant space on this journal, on the greater internet, as my third post to dreamwidth in particular? I'm going to say yes.

Fair warning ahead of time any posts about this game will have spoilered content! I'm essentially stream-of-conscious-ing my thoughts and experiences and reflecting on them as I continue to play.





so okay i'm like 20 hours deep into the game at this point. I've collected every one of the titular eight characters and have seen every first chapter (they've been really well thought-out, actually!) The order that I picked them up was probably a bit strange -- I started with Temenos, first off my god, Temenos.... He's a cleric whose disposition of doubt has earned him immense trust with the church, propelling him into the high-ranking position of Inquisitor. He's also a snarky twink who seems to enjoy toying with Crick, the very green Sanctum Knight assigned to assist the church at Temenos' hometown of Flamechurch and I love him for it.

after Temenos, the nearest logical place the game directs you to go is New Delsta to pick up Throné. But I had other ideas, heading north instead to the snowy region where Osvald can be found. His brief character description intrigued me the most from the jump as it sounded tragic and impressively spicy for a modern JRPG... Something about incarceration for killing his wife and child. Yeah that's intense, I NEED this guy's take on things. When I finally found him, the game warned me that his introductory sequence actually lasts two chapters and that I wouldn't be in control of Temenos until both were completed. As is Octopath's way you can choose to "hear a story" at any city in the game by talking with the city's bartender (a cute touch). So... armed with that knowledge, I decided to put it off.

As my plan was to snag all of the characters *first* and then go deeper into their stories afterward, I high-tailed it to the next target. Still not Throné. Straight up, fuck Throné

I really wanted to visit the other continents so there was a lot of exploration that happened around this time. I went really far north looking for a boat -- no such thing. Then south, along the coast, until I eventually did find a port, which was good because I was starting to worry the path forward would have required something less intuitive, like an airship, or an underground bug-travel system.

The next pickups were in this order: Ochette, feral beast girl, -> Castti, amnesiac seafaring apothecary, -> Hikari, betrayed desert prince, -> Agnea, carefree starry-eyed dancer, -> Throné, who cares (alright fine she's a thief born into a corrupt gang and wants her freedom), -> Partitio, youthful rugged merchant.

Octopath is a very unique game in that it's extremely non-linear in a certain sense. The stories of every character can be completed at any time, in whichever order you choose -- you don't even need to find all of them before going deep into one. Having played the first game, though, my strategy was to get everyone first, then stick with four and complete those four entirely, then the next four. After collectin' 'em all, I decided my first party of four was going to be: Temenos, Agnea, Throné, and Hikari. That leaves the next group of four to be Osvald, Ochette, Castti, and Partitio. I tried to make sure there was a balance in both teams of damage output and healers (although the game gives you great options to multiclass all of your characters, so I don't think this ultimately was a large concern).

I then went on to do Temenos' chapter 2, Agnea's chapter 2, Throné's chapter 2, and Hikari's chapter 2, all of which were even better than the chapter ones... which I was really surprised by?? Usually the opening chapter is among the strongest, right?

Seriously though, I love Temenos... like, just in case I wasn't clear enough earlier..... when he's deep in thought he furrows his brow and then kind of goes into a psychedelic alternate dimension where no one else exists and he can examine shit. Which is really fucking funny and campy but I still find it cute.

Next time we're doing "Crossed Paths"... which is kind of like when two characters in your party have a shared event. Pretty excited about that. Temenos and Throné have one. We'll see what happens......
Sep. 13th, 2024 03:30 pm

wohhhh

she_wisp: (progress)
i am on the StruggleBus™️. today is a vapid and slow day in this corner of the world (but.. i suspect i feel that way in large part because i haven't made Art Drawing Illustrating progress)

but i am not the bitter gremlin yet which implies potential!

(honestly i really should draw later but I'm stressin about things that i simultaneously acknowledge don't really matter like my hair being mega uncooperative.... help 🫠)
she_wisp: (Default)
i'm actually a ghost fuzzy thing on the internet and wanted to write somewhere that felt ~coooomfy~. i haven't journaled in a way that felt 'journaley' in quite some time. social media is weird. and you know the internet is a big place with different places to post and share but I've always felt fringe and weird about it and I need room to grow!!! mmm-yup well...

hi!!
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