Nov. 2nd, 2025 07:37 pm
The unspoken friendship contract
Things are baaad and I want to post about it
I have entered into a peculiar situation that has me struggling. Let's put it like this...
I made some friends that I feel really warm and happy about recently. I'm glad to have met them. We met through a shared hobby, mostly, a kind of interest. Within that interest we all also make art for it.
Some stuff happened and sorry for vagueposting I just have really messy thoughts about this that need to be organized and that takes a lot of time. There was an event that brought us all together. I'm really grateful for that. I put my worries aside and lived in the moment. I felt really really happy.
Once the event ended things continued as they were before. Which is mostly good but introduces some worry. I start worrying more and more about the inevitable drift away, worry based on my own insecurities and anxiety come manifest. This is insecurity involving both the art form about the hobby, but also about people in general and my ability to stay connected with those people.
I never like to bother anyone -- *especially* friends. I'm way too overcautious about "appearing like an annoyance", so I'm always thinking about how often I message people, and if they don't message me for a long time and I find myself messaging them, I assume they aren't interested in being friends. So I don't message them anymore, either. I want to empower them to pursue their life away from me if they want even if I'm very sad because of it.
Feeling like this reflects back onto my art, it prevents me from feeling capable of doing any art at all. Because I feel worthless. Some artists can convert feelings of worthlessness into really great output and unfortunately that isn't something I'm capable of doing yet. I just sit and rot and waste my time in my head. Or in some bitter states of mind I instead feel like I'm wasting all my time doing "life stuff" which is probably true since I spent 40 hours a week working, 10 hours a week commuting, full time student, barely making ends meet on top of trying to do art. This post isn't about that though.
So I enter these headspaces where I try to motivate myself, maybe I should force myself to make art anyway. And maybe -- I think -- maybe that's why the friends are drifting away. I don't use social media often, but in the past when I've had more artistic output, I would post things there. That's an OK form of social media use for me because I'm sharing a concrete creation and I don't need to worry about this meta-level game of trying to entertain an unknown audience with words that feel like I'm talking into a void.
But now, my output has basically halted; I have nothing to show. And that itself, friends, causes this terrible line of thinking. Friendship contract.
Maybe these people I thought were my friends are only willing to be my friend on the condition that I can have consistent artistic output like I was before. After all, what fucking value does a person like me have if she can't do something self-expressive like art, to distinguish me from literally anyone else who might have more charm or physical attractiveness at the very least? What do I contribute to any friendship? Is this a reflection on how I value other people; am *I* being the shithead?
Maybe it's not even something they're conscious of. It could be habitual. They simply, most naturally, gravitate toward the other people that continue to make and post art like they do.
So it's causing me to spiral and I need some kind of kick in the ass to get out of this headspace and I'm posting on this blog about it in hopes that it will give me some catharsis okay thank you byeeeee
I have entered into a peculiar situation that has me struggling. Let's put it like this...
I made some friends that I feel really warm and happy about recently. I'm glad to have met them. We met through a shared hobby, mostly, a kind of interest. Within that interest we all also make art for it.
Some stuff happened and sorry for vagueposting I just have really messy thoughts about this that need to be organized and that takes a lot of time. There was an event that brought us all together. I'm really grateful for that. I put my worries aside and lived in the moment. I felt really really happy.
Once the event ended things continued as they were before. Which is mostly good but introduces some worry. I start worrying more and more about the inevitable drift away, worry based on my own insecurities and anxiety come manifest. This is insecurity involving both the art form about the hobby, but also about people in general and my ability to stay connected with those people.
I never like to bother anyone -- *especially* friends. I'm way too overcautious about "appearing like an annoyance", so I'm always thinking about how often I message people, and if they don't message me for a long time and I find myself messaging them, I assume they aren't interested in being friends. So I don't message them anymore, either. I want to empower them to pursue their life away from me if they want even if I'm very sad because of it.
Feeling like this reflects back onto my art, it prevents me from feeling capable of doing any art at all. Because I feel worthless. Some artists can convert feelings of worthlessness into really great output and unfortunately that isn't something I'm capable of doing yet. I just sit and rot and waste my time in my head. Or in some bitter states of mind I instead feel like I'm wasting all my time doing "life stuff" which is probably true since I spent 40 hours a week working, 10 hours a week commuting, full time student, barely making ends meet on top of trying to do art. This post isn't about that though.
So I enter these headspaces where I try to motivate myself, maybe I should force myself to make art anyway. And maybe -- I think -- maybe that's why the friends are drifting away. I don't use social media often, but in the past when I've had more artistic output, I would post things there. That's an OK form of social media use for me because I'm sharing a concrete creation and I don't need to worry about this meta-level game of trying to entertain an unknown audience with words that feel like I'm talking into a void.
But now, my output has basically halted; I have nothing to show. And that itself, friends, causes this terrible line of thinking. Friendship contract.
Maybe these people I thought were my friends are only willing to be my friend on the condition that I can have consistent artistic output like I was before. After all, what fucking value does a person like me have if she can't do something self-expressive like art, to distinguish me from literally anyone else who might have more charm or physical attractiveness at the very least? What do I contribute to any friendship? Is this a reflection on how I value other people; am *I* being the shithead?
Maybe it's not even something they're conscious of. It could be habitual. They simply, most naturally, gravitate toward the other people that continue to make and post art like they do.
So it's causing me to spiral and I need some kind of kick in the ass to get out of this headspace and I'm posting on this blog about it in hopes that it will give me some catharsis okay thank you byeeeee